Between a Rock and a Hardplace

I spent a lovely three day weekend with my Momma, Nana Tantrum. Bacon played with his cousins, Cookie Boy and Noodle Girl, until they absolutely fell asleep on the floor. They did fireworks, ate until we thought they would throw up, and played some more. It was exactly the way I remember spending the 4Th of July as a kid.

I however, am not doing all that great with the divorce, and am worried about some test results that should be in tomorrow. I am trying to keep the faith, and praying that it will all work out the way it is supposed to, but it is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. Sitting here all alone night after night, is a little more than I had bargained for.

I will be okay - I think, I mean I usually come out okay in the end - I just need some time to get used to the way things will be. I need some time to remember that someone has a bigger plan for me, and even though I can't see it, if I give in and let him lead me things will be okay.

Nervous

Bacon left with Mr. Tantrum last night to go to Oregon for the week, or part of the week, I am not really clear on that because they are "winging it." The whole "winging it" thing makes me more nervous than a pig in a bacon commercial. I like to have a plan and know what is going to happen when and for how many pennies.

Bacon was thrilled that he would see Crazy Aunt Ethel and all of the Cousins this week, and was so preoccupied with all of it that he forgot about having fun with me on our last day together. He instead asked every two minutes if we were there yet....like any other 5 year old would do.

Mr. Tantrum has announced that he cannot work things out with me, because I am a tyrant, and mean. (Hello, I know I am snotty, but seriously?) So I am moving on with things, keeping busy with work and Pilates and finding my place in the big world after being married for so many years. I enjoy it, but sometimes it is a little lonely, especially when sometimes it feels like no one who is close to me understands my side of things. Like I am the naked girl in school that everyone points to and laughs at.

Things will work out like they are supposed to and before too long Bacon will be back screaming at me to go swimming, and that he cannot poop in the potty. Until then I will get as much rest as I can, eat grown up food, and watch whatever I want on television.

Sweaty Boobs

We have had a record spring spell for dryness here in the Seattle Metro Area. It has not rained - until last night - at the airport where they record this crap for the future for 29 days. You would think that because of this we are going to win some giant prize or something the way the news is carrying on about it. 

What we do have is humidity. LOTS OF HUMIDITY. Now I know that it isn't anything like in Costa Rica, or Florida, but it isn't something that we are used to or even like. I mean who really likes showering drying off, getting dressed and then walking out to the car and getting that lovely boob sweat instantly? Certainly not this Momma! 

I do love that I have a beautiful tan from sitting out all these sunny weekends while Bacon played in the sprinkler. I do love that the garden is growing this year because it is warm. I do love that I can wear a dress to work every day as a result. I love that every night the whole neighborhood smells like a huge barbecue restaurant. 

Soon the rain will be back full force, and the snow I am sure will follow. I will be complaining about that too, because I don't think that there really is such a thing as "perfect" weather. (Okay, there is on Maui, on the beach with a nice cold cocktail in my hand.) Until the sun is out every day we will accept the humidity, carry a lot of deodorant, and perfume and drink gallons of water to stay hydrated. 

We are Northwesterner's complaining about the weather is what we do the best!

Emotional

Bacon's last day of preschool was yesterday. He is thrilled that when his stay home days are over he gets to start kindergarten. I am all teary eyed and a little terrified, because he is a big boy now, and OMG where did the time go? 

Part of it could be that my cousin just graduated from the same high school that Grandma Tantrum, Nana Tantrum, Auntie Tantrum and I graduated from. She is the last of the Tantrum women to graduate from there, and is headed off to college soon to become an Orthopedic Surgeon. We are all so proud of her, but also left feeling OLD, because we all remember the day she was born, and all of the big milestones in her life. 

I know too that with Bacon being done with school, and all of the changes that are going on make me more sentimental and teary eyed. Bacon has come so far from the days of coming home and saying "We played with toy chest and had a snack" to asking how are day was, and talking about what he did with which friends. He counts to 30, and if you do it wrong he will teach you how to do it right. He can write all kinds of words without help. And he loves to make up songs and tell stories. 

He has become a little man. 

Do we still have throw yourself on the floor tantrums? Of course. Does he still pee or poop in his pants? Of course...I told you before I think he'll never fully get there in an effort to have me committed to the funny farm. Does he still push our buttons? He always will. 

Do I love him more than anything in this world? You bet. He is so much fun, and such a great kid. Even if he is big enough now to start a new adventure in his life of school and it makes me sad, it is exciting to watch him change into the man that he will one day be. The possibilities are really endless for what he can and will do. 

I am so excited to see where we end up from where we started.

Is This Thing On?

I have been remarkably absent in the past few forever because I finally got moved to my apartment, and between the unpacking, settling in and shuttling back and forth from the house to my place, I have been exhausted. And lazy. And without Internet or television.

Being apart is good, Bacon is settled in nicely with the change, and Mr. Tantrum and I have agreed to work on things and see if we really should get a divorce or not. Not that working on it means we are back together or is even a guarantee that we will still want to be near each other in three or even six months, but at least we aren't jumping ship without a little life jacket. 

I got a promotion at work and we are working on the transition to being the Dealer Services Manager. I will get to still work with my two favorite girls, but will also get a raise, and have more responsibility. I have to say I was flabbergasted when they offered me the position, I have only been with the company 8 months after all, but obviously I am doing something right. 

Bacon is done with school this week and will be a KINDERGARTNER. I still can't get used to that idea. He also has a nanny for the summer that he ADORES and is already calling his big sister. I think that it is the perfect fit. 

I am feeling so much better now that I am not eating the wheat or the dairy. Although I still crave a nice normal cheeseburger on a bun with real cheese pretty much every other day. I am waiting for the arrival of a flour that is completely gluten free and can be used in recipes that call for all purpose flour. Hopefully it tastes a good as everyone says!

I promise to be back more...I promise that I haven't forgotten any of you. I am reading...just not commenting as much as I should. 

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Last night we were sorting out our 400+ dvd's and our even bigger CD collection so that I could pack mine for the move. It SHOULD have been an easy task. We really don't like the same things, so easily it should have been black and white on who got what. 

It wasn't. 

It turned into Mr. Tantrum saying every three minutes, "That was a gift you gave me!" or "I bought that for you, so I should get to keep it!" Seriously?!? You want to keep my copy of Gone With The Wind and Scarlett? You are crazy! 

As it dwindled down I mentioned that I am planning on taking some classes in the spring and I will need him to take Bacon for 7 weekends straight. I would be more than happy to do the same, should something come up for him that he needs to do and take Bacon for the 7 weekends before or after so he can have some freetime. 

I hoped that this would be fine. Instead it turned into him screaming at me about "not spending enough time with Bacon" and "being selfish and not trading weekends" with him.  

He made me so mad I was seriously contemplating jabbing his eyes out with a fork. 

Even when I explained what it was and how it would work he still screamed at me and shook his fists in the air like some crazy old hermit man. I explained that I would still have Bacon for the same amount of time he wouldn't hear of it. 

I think he is mad that I am making plans and moving on. I think that he is irritated that there are still things that I want to pursue to enhance my life. I am wondering this morning if he thinks that by acting like this I will come running back to him wanting to reconcile. 

I know that he is hurt, and I know that it will take time to get him to a place where he can be somewhat civil, but seriously arguing and shouting make me really want to have NOTHING at all to do with him. They make me feel all stabby and bitter that I did stay as long as I did, and remind me that no matter how much you think you can make something work, sometimes it just isn't meant to be. 

Thankfully things are now sorted and boxed so that when the day comes I can move and be done. Hopefully, when I pack up my Cuisinart and Kitchen Aid he won't start yelling about how he needs those too. Hopefully, by the time this is all over we can at some point be friends like we were before we got married. And HOPEFULLY he can find a woman who will love him and cherish him the way he deserves. I just want him to be happy and settled, for all of our sakes.  

Things I am Looking Forward to This Week...

This week is sunny and in the 80's (that is in Fahrenheit for my friends down under - no I cannot convert it to Celsius, they didn't teach us that in school, they are teaching my child that so I am screwed when he needs help with math homework) and GLORIOUS. There is more on tap too. 

Today is a holiday here. Memorial Day to be exact. This is the day we remember our veterans who have served in the military, fought in wars and risked their lives to keep us living the American Dream. I want to kiss them all for being so brave, and thank them each personally for what they do. It is a tough job, not only for them, but for their families too, and they deserve a LOT more thanks than what they get. 

- 4 day work week this week, which means since it is near month end I will be on the phone all week desperately trying to reach our sales goal. I love talking on the phone, so that will be a treat!

- Saturday night dinner with my friends Annie and WM!! WOOT! Too bad Annie is a million months preggers, and won't be able to have cocktails with us...oh, wait now she can be the designated driver! Hee hee...sorry Annie. 

- Shopping for some new stuff for my apartment. I get a bonus this week, and am going to get a few things that I don't have for the place. New bedding, towels, silverware, lamps....I am thinking Pottery Barn may be the answer to my prayers!

- This is my second full week without the migraine medication. I not only am not having any seizures, or drooling on myself. I can form coherent sentences, and talk like an adult again! Yeah for the dairy/gluten free diet...even if it is hard to find tasty snacks!

I hope your week is glorious. Go hug a solider, and thank him and his family for all they do. Seriously, it is that important maybe I am old fashioned, but there was a time when Memorial Day was parades and picnics and worshiping these men and women for what they have done. It should be like that now too, none of these sales and stuff, just plain honoring people for being the heroes that they are.