When The Moon Hits Your Eyes, Look The Other Way

I dropped Bacon off at school with Mr. T this morning and we dropped off some boxes for banjo making in his classroom. Of course I should have known that this would mean that some sort of conversation about behavior would happen, but I wasn't prepared for the one that occurred.

His teacher's assistant came out to talk about some bad behavior that Bacon had been exhibiting, and that they were working on it because she didn't think it was serious enough to warrant a call home. He has been mooning (or Bare A$$ing) his school mates at recess, and on occasion has also shaken his butt while peeing in the bathroom at the urinal. This has caused distress and dismay to the other kids so she has been working with him about where it is okay to show your butt.

Then he said tonight that he had a bad day at school because he went to the Principal's office for sticking his hand down his pants at recess. I know there is more to the story. The whole tone of "I don't want to tell you." Told me that there was more to the story than just sticking his hand down the butt of his pants.

On Monday, I will see about speaking with the principal and coming up with some sort of plan for behavioral therapy at school. Lord knows I don't want them thinking that this is okay at home, and since he isn't with us most of the time, maybe they can help us to better nip it in the butt - ha, ha - now before he gets worse or expelled from school.

In the meantime, I am going to see if I can't scout out some sort of shock collar like belt. Something that will give you a mild shock if you take your pants off anywhere except for the bathroom.

The Tenth Level of Hell

Turning two is hard. I know, because I did it and then watched Bacon do it. This week my adorable nephew did it. He had his party today, complete with a gluten free vegan cake, (he has horrible allergies) and more gifts and stimulation than necessary. Both he and Bacon were exhausted after the first hour.

Of course with the age of two comes hitting, and nephew is hitting Bacon, which sends Bacon into a screaming maniacal girly girl. This leads to nephew going into time out - and crying because of it - and Bacon sobbing and screaming some more.

It is the tenth level of hell.

It is also the exact reason that I only have one child, and would have been horribly lousy as a mother of any more than that.

School HiJinks

Bacon is in school full time. I drop him off about 7:45 every day, and he goes to his morning class right near the gym where they wait for the teacher to get them. (Why they don't go straight to the class I am not sure...but this is how it works.) Today I dropped him off myself, because Mr. T had to meet the phone guy at the new store at the butt crack of the morning.

Of course I should have known this meant that somehow I was going to be told something horrible, like Bacon had maimed a small animal, or broken an overhead projector, but was dumb and thought I would be in and out in no time. I was wrong.

Mrs. Black stopped me in the hall and said, "I am so glad it's YOU dropping him off this morning. I need to talk to you about an INCIDENT that happened yesterday." She said incident the same way that you tell someone you have diarrhea, and you like she thought if she reported this to Mr. T something traumatic and life changing would happen.

I took a deep breath and smiled sweetly, and knew that something horrible was about to happen.

"Bacon told some kids at recess that he was going to..."she looked around suspiciously for spies before continuing, "kick their a-s-s-e-s. Now, I talked to him about it and gave him a warning because BOTH duties heard him. Normally they would write him up and it would go on his PERMANENT record, but he apologized so it is okay. But could you talk to him about his okay language?"

I assured him I would, and told her how sorry I was. I then hurried out of the building and burst into hysterical laughter. Yes, I probably should be horrified that my child said ASS on the playground. I should probably be worried that he will be denied admission to YALE because he has a mark on his school record for this behavior in Kindergarten, but I couldn't get past the fact that Mrs. Black had to spell the word to me when there were no children present. That there was nothing for me to sign, and the fact that BOTH teachers on recess duty managed to hear my child - in a school of 200 kids - say that word. What the hell were the other kids getting away with?

We have talked to him about it, and he has assured us that it wont happen again. I know that it won't. I think that this particular teacher just isn't all that great with him, and she has shown it with her inability to deal with him and the other kids. It doesn't matter to me though we pay her to take care of them regardless of if she can deal with them or not.

In the meantime watch out for your language. You don't want anything to go on your permanent record!

Bacterial Overload

I started school last Tuesday and am thrilled to be back deep in the hands on training and book education of becoming a bonafide nail technician and esthetician. I knew that there would be pretty polishes, and fun facials, and some legal stuff to memorize. I forgot that there would be a lot of rules about sanitation. I also forgot that I moved to one of the most stringent states with sanitation guidelines, and laws.

I have spent the week studying all the forms of bacteria, germs and pathogens. I have learned what to do and what not to do in the salon - and at school - and in the process have become some sort of hand washing obsessive compulsive freak show.

That's right, I am now a germaphobe stuck in a house with 10 people, and in the middle of a media pandemic about the SWINE FLU! It is all I can do to not race from room to room doing the following in no particular order:

- Tossing out bars of soap. (They are breeding grounds for germs)

- Tossing out any cleaner that doesn't have an Environmental Protection Agency Number. The state says that it is not efficient at disinfecting otherwise...so why have it if it doesn't kill GERMS!

- Smacking people upside the head for bringing over friends who have:

- A weird cough

- A fever

- A rash

- A dog named Bob.

- I am even contemplating wearing a mask 24 hours a day, and using paper plates and disposable utensils until we can make sure that the germs have been destroyed.

Of course I am still freaked out that we haven't had any time to destroy the Box Elder Beetle infestation in the attic and hallway. (And consequently my underwear drawer.) I am hoping beyond hope that those little suckers don't carry germs...or if they do that they aren't transmittable to humans.

In the meantime I will try to keep my insanity to myself, and pray that we don't get any weird cooties. I am praying that none of you do either. This has already been one ugly germ season and it isn't even Christmas yet!

400th Post

Four Hundred Posts. Man this one should be amazing, and blow you all away, but it isn't and it probably won't. After all, it is October here in the pacific northwest and the cold and rain and wind have come along with that lovely grumpy mood that we all love so much.

Also living in a house full of so many people it seems a little harder than I thought to find a quiet place to think and unwind and breathe. Which makes me more edgy than ever. It feels horrible to be that way, to think that way. To have someone constantly bothering you over something to not even be able to go to the bathroom alone. I mean I have a 5 year old, we are so way past that now that I had forgotten that was something that would happen.

Hopefully this week with me returning to school I will be able to find that quiet. That peace, and a piece of mind that seems to be lost in the meantime. Hopefully I will be able to adjust to the multitude to people here as well, but not so much that when we get our own house that I won't be able to enjoy the sounds of silence.

Wildlife, Hippy Food, and Delirium

It has been about a week since I last checked in. This is because 1) Despite the fact that school doesn't start for me until the 27th I have been busier than I thought possible, and 2) Living in the boonies means lots of crazy stuff starts happening to you.

First off, on the day that I told you about the raccoons, I went to run a couple of fun errands with my sister in law for my nephew's second birthday. As we were driving home we were talking about the raccoon mob and I mentioned how I realized I wasn't in the city anymore. As I said that we turned on to our street and were faced by a horse. A HORSE without its owner or reigns. Being two able minded women we managed to corral the horse to our neighbor who has horses and "would know what to do" and got her to help us. (Even though she was sick, and had to come out in her nightshirt to do it.) After she got the horse in the stable, she found the owners and they managed to get him home.

Secondly I have been helping my brother out a few days with my niece and nephew while he is at work before Nana Tantrum gets home. We have baked cookies, and cobbler, and watched TV. Perhaps the most startling thing that they insist that we do is "Build a chicken coop" I am not sure why/where they got this idea, but it always has to be done around 3pm, and under the kitchen table. I don't ask questions, I just try not to giggle too loudly.

I have also been perfecting my baking skills. And not the wheat filled kind. The gluten free-egg free-dairy and corn free kind. My nephew has horrible eczema and they think it is a food based allergy, so the blood tests that came back for those foods have been taken out, leaving him very little in the way of tasty options. In comes Nantie, and her baking and Google skills, and he now has added a very tasty Banana bread, and a Macaroni and Cheese with butternut squash in it that even Bacon likes. We have even gotten Bacon eating Nitrate Free, organic hot dogs! Before you know it we will all be...no wait, never mind, it will NEVER come to any of the Tantrums wearing Birkenstocks. We may eat like hippies, but we will NEVER dress like hippies!

Amidst all of the chaos my laptop also decided to die. The power port is currently being fixed by one of my father in law's very nice friends. (The Apple store told me that my model was "vintage" and that I would need to buy a new machine. Um, no. I like my machine very much thank you, and it works just fine, except for the not being able to charge the battery thing.) So soon, I will be able to update more regularly. I will be back on a 9-5 schedule, and we will adjust a little more to the "country life."

I hope you are all well and that things are decidedly more calm for you. We also have a weird bug infestation, not at all like the bed bugs that Kate dealt with, but I will save that post for this weekend when I attack them with arsenic and old lace. (A battle will ensue I am sure, my brother in law is against killing anything. Even if it is a nasty bug that leaves poop stains on the walls and lays eggs in the underwear drawers....this is a battle he will not win while I live here.) At least it will make for good writing.

The Call Of The WILD

I forgot when we moved in with the in laws that we sort of live in the boonies. The house is on 5 acres, and there are frequently deer out in the yard and on the drive to school and while it takes a bit to get to the grocer or Starbucks it isn't unbearable.

All this aside, I think I may have been delusional when I thought that the wilds of nature wouldn't try and kill us right in our own home.

On Friday night as we were cleaning up from dinner I went to let one of the 5 cats in the sliding glass door, I saw 4 new really cute cats with masks on. Then I realized that those weren't cats, they were GIANT RACCOONS that were trying to kill the cat on the deck. I screamed because, being a city girl I didn't know just what you do with a raccoon, Mr. Tantrum jumped into action scaring them off the third story deck, causing one to thud to the ground. The other three disappeared as quickly as they appeared into the night.

We made sure that all the menagerie of animals were secured in the house, and locked the doors. Now while this isn't as scary as the 79 year old woman in Florida who was attacked by a wild mob of angry raccoons, it was pretty darn startling. I mean coming face to face with the masked bandits was weird. I wanted to simultaneously pick them up and cuddle them and drop kick them off the deck all at once.

Mr. Tantrum said that this week there will be an instructional course on all the animals that could be seen here at the house and which ones are "safe" and which ones are not safe. This is great, because my sister in law told me that a raccoon could have torn his face off in one fell swoop. I feel really secure that he will be teaching that class.